Floating, Flowing...like Feather on God's Breath

On Saturday, May 30^th, it was only fitting that I ended my online journaling with a day at the Carmelite Priory and retreat centre at Boars Hill, just outside Oxford city.  This was my only travel outside London this past month.

And I ended my day with a spiritual conversation with Fr Jimmy, a Carmelite monk who lives and works there.

After hearing a summary of my story up til that point, his suggestion was to continue my journey of going deeper into silence, and let go of all the mental “enlightenments” and “visions” that came in my prayer and meditations, no matter how insightful or life-giving.

He suggested letting go of literally all, even of all the rich imageries I experienced, just as John of the Cross suggested to Teresa of Avila.

Though, I am mindful too of what Teresa said in return, but that’s neither here or there for this present moment so I let go.

I am allowing myself to continue to go with the flow, and trust all things to unfold in perfect time, even if it means that I may still find myself in this open space in January.

And today, I listened to an interview of Toni Morrison on BBC and felt so encouraged and affirmed when I heard her say that “Beloved” was written when she lost her job, during  a space of unemployment, before looking for the next job!

And so I remain open and surrender into entering deeper into silence and divine union, be it another day, another month or another year.  However long it takes, and try to be present and mindful to each day’s journey

And remembering how, at Spiritual Directors' International conference on Emerging Wisdom in end April, I found I could breathe again...hence realising that I haven't been able to breathe freely for quite a while before that.  So I remind myself to breathe freely, and to be present to my breathing, to living full, abundant life!

Thank you.  Love and blessings to everyone who have been following me this past month.

Nita

Receiving Generosity

It’s the day after my birthday and I am blessed!

One of the biggest gifts I have received throughout this month is the love and generosity of my family (parents and brother) and friends

Because of my family I have a place to stay by myself this month.

Because of friends – their love, support and generosity, I have eaten many times this month.  I have always so grateful when others feed me delicious, wonderful food!

It roots me ever more so deeply in my Franciscan roots, and I begin to understand how Ego-busting it is to ask (humility), to depend on others (poverty) and the in the process build community and love

So my batik today is one of community

It is friends who kept me hopeful and trusting.  I spent my birthday with Joy and Alba (two friends I met here in London) who walked with me to the bus stop and waited for the bus with me; then lunch with Marlini and Thira (two friends from high school and university); then a conference call reconnecting with my Spiritual Directors International (SDI) New Contemplative community – Terri, Sarah, Lauren, Christina, Yael, Lance and Christianne.

They and their presence in my life gives me energy to love, trust, believe and hope.

This long weekend (Sat – Mon) I shall continue to connect with other friends and other people I love

And another happy note is the fact that a few friends have recently asked for more copies of my book and I have already received generous donations from others for my books and paintings.  This love, hope, faith is hence also grounded in the money I receive.

Thank you, God for the gifts of my friends and family in my life

Looking at Myself and My Life with God

From Big Picture to Concrete Here and Now

This is where I am this week.  While I have let go of fear of uncertain future in the past 2 weeks, now I am letting go of the daily nitty-gritty.  And you can’t get more practical than dealing with financial issues—to pay rent, food etc necessities.

Yes, I know that I don’t need to “do” anything to deserve God’s love and grace.

Yesterday, an AHA came in with the realisation that I don’t need to “sell” anything to deserve money too!

Money will come, I need to say YES to receive and accept now.  And not just in “ang pow” (gift of money in red packets during Chinese New Year) but always and especially in my daily life.

Also, I became aware that if I “think” that’s also because I have given much, I came to see that that’s just the Ego speaking.

I have done nothing to “deserve” receiving. 

It’s ALL Grace!  Full and abundant life!

Remembering always that We are One

Be it mystical union or just simply remembering that the Sun (and all creation), and I, and God are one.

So learning to be more mindful of asking, and then listening to my Inner Wisdom, before each decision, even the most mundane

Today I am saying Yes to receive and accept the abundant grace and full life that God has been dying to give me.  I just wasn't ready or had some blockage issues.

I know I may never learn to accept or let go of some of the issues but I now know that it doesn't matter.  I am never going to be perfect.
And it really doesn't matter because God knows and God is perfect so ALL of life are gifts, I just need to receive and accept, and enjoy, and be happy!

So what gives me pleasure today?  Sitting in sunshine, finding and picking up a £10 note on the sidewalk, going to treat myself to a delicious meal with it, and saying Yes love, life and abundance.

Also accepting that I don't know how to love, especially not strangers.  But that's ok as well.  I am saying YES to being the Lighthouse of Love

Thank you, God for allowing me to be Your Lighthouse

Love is All Around, We Just Need to Be Aware of It

This week has been a great week for me.  I contacted friends at the perfect time, as we met up in London on different days, fitting into their personal schedule as they needed to be in London for their own personal reasons.

And of course, I was able to go for spiritual direction for the first time in months helps too.

Also great, because while it “seems” like nothing is happening for me personally on the external level, there’s a lot of undercurrent energy, loving positive energy moving.

I wrote an application and a proposal for 2 organizations, and while it’s great to be so warmly invited to submit those, I have been more authentic and true to myself and my own voice.  As for the first time really, I proposed things that were important to me, that reflected my own personal spiritual journey and not care whether they will be accepted or not.

I am learnt to more concretely live in the present, including not worrying about whether I am “receiving paid employment” or not, six months for now.  I know I am working now, and I know I shall work too in 6 months’ time, whether or not others see it as a valid “job”.

My question to myself, “Where is the Love?”  Can I see it now?

I hope I can.  Just as it was with this clay art.  When I was given this lump of clay, I thought “Oh God, I’m so not good with clay, not even with Play-Doh as a child.”

Got a little stressed at first, then just decided to “get to know” the clay and “aimlessly” played with it.  Squeezing it with my hands and twisting it into random shapes.  Not sure at what point I decided to just twist it into linked hands, in the shape of a heart.

As that was done, I could see a man and a woman holding hands, so I refined that.  Finally, it just felt right to add the baby in the basket in the middle.

Perhaps, I need to start seeing my life like that lump of clay.  Squeeze it, play with it, have FUN with it!  And begin to see “Where Love Is” in each squeeze, twist and holding.

Even an Ant Loves a Day Off

For a past few days, I’ve been going out and had at least 3 appointments each day.

Today, I am just going to chill, and be like this little ant, lying resting on this floating leaf…

Soul Reflections...

When I painted this more than 3 years ago, the thought that came was that God’s heart from reflected on/in mine, as the heart is the water is a reflection of the heart in the sky.

This morning, I was reading an email from my soul-friend and sister, Eileen and through her, connected to another soul-sister, Chere.

Chere started her newsletter a few months ago, I am privileged to be a recipient.  While, consciously my decision to journal on this blog was not because of her, but I truly believe that sub-consciously, her decision to bare her soul in her newsletter inspired mine.

Chere, I take this moment to honor you and send you love.

With this, I look back at my painting and see how the message has already mindfully brought me further and deeper.

We are ALL one.  So, for sure our souls are joint and we reflect the good and highest intentions and healings of one another.

Thank you, Eileen for inspiring this reflection.  May our hearts be joint and our souls always be pure reflections of God’s.

Live Life As If Everything Is Rigged In MY Favor - Rumi

When I painted this, I was remembering Breast Cancer Awareness Day 2009/2010 in Victoria, BC, Canada, where all sorts of bras were hung on wires all over the city centre.  That and my own “bad hair day” banner was a remind to live my life without caring about what others thought about me.

Today, the quote that most touched me is this one from Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday interview with Arianna Huffington, founder of the “Huffington Post”:

"Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor." -Rumi. This is my favorite quote! #SuperSoulSunday #Thrive

It is so easy to say, “This and that happened to me, and I don’t know what to do now.”  And then I get stuck.

Yesterday, I realised that actually, I always “ask” of things happening in life as “How would this affect my work in the future?”

Or “Would A or B be the best choice towards working for what I want in the future?”

For goodness sake, I am a spiritual director/coach!  And yet, I still plan my life like a “career” move.

Bad habits really die hard.

So yesterday, in an AHA moment, I began to ask myself “If I want to do this now, such as move to California, why don’t I just do it and enjoy the moment!”

Major “duh!”

Today, I remind myself that I WANT to live in the present moment and enjoy it.

Something inside me has been wanting to go to California for months.  Rationally, I don’t know why.  But this has happened before.  I wanted to go to England a year before I finally bought the air ticket and it became one of the greatest gifts in my life.

Besides, if the other choice is to stay in England, where I really don’t like the cold anymore, then my body craves for sunnier, warmer climates :)

La Petite Princesse

Today, may I just be God’s princess

To just BE God’s love, my name of Grace

And Shine!

Unconditional, Unfathomable Love, Life - Gift of Mystery

What I can ever understand of love, of God is

Like one grain of sand in the entire beach

God’s mystery is beyond fathom

So I’m not going to try to “comprehend”.

I’m just going to begin/try to fully enjoy the gift of life

Being in nature, or being on the street,

Being with friends, or being alone in a quiet library, or cathedral

Listening to birdsong

Birds sing whether it is rainy or sunny outside

I want to learn to be like them

Dear friends,

The gift of the internet meant that I could share with the world

The danger is also obvious

So if you wish to continue following my journal, please send me an email at

RunWaters  @gmail.com (one word, no space)

Thank you and many blessings

Nita 

Heart Wisdom Shine

Heart wisdom

Light from my heart

Light that IS my heart

Shine!

This is a perfect example of where I did not recognise that the lotus was a symbol for my heart when I painted it 3 years ago.

But I did become aware a week or two after of a person sitting in the center of the lotus.

A person of bright light

Made me think of teachers like the Buddha and Jesus.

Perhaps, it is simpler than that, that the person is me.

That this painting was revealing in my contemplation that

When my heart blossoms, and opens up

My inner self/true self is revealed

My inner voice begins to be heard

These quotes from of Immortal Diamond struck a chord today:

“God is Being itself…(God is not) a being or all being.” p. 130

 “Scientists now tells us that all light in the universe is electromagnetically connected and all natural light is in fact one”.  p. 151

So, created in the image and likeness of God, I am a being.

How do I learn to be like the flower above?

Without much doing, or moving

To just allow the essence of my heart, my being to blossom, to shine through

Actually, my Mind thought of the Buddhist Heart Sutra and Google’s results did not resonate with me at this moment.

Perhaps today is quite simply an invitation to just BE.

To trust my heart, let her Shine. 

No need for rational, intellectual comprehension today.

Perhaps I need to learn how to be Open to Receive,

More than letting go today.

To receive abundantly, fully.

To own God’s “Yes, I want to gift to you.  It is yours”.

Eagle Soaring, Fly Me to Where I BE

Eagle Spirit fly me up to the skies

Soar me through clouds

Over mountain ranges

Effortlessly I flow

One with You

In Your arms

Heart to heart

My eyes are closed

I trust You to know the way

Yet I see ALL through my soul-eyes

In vibrant, glorious colours

Brighter than the naked eye can take in

All the beauty that is this world

Waterfalls and rainbows

Gazelles dancing across wide, open grasslands

Whales and dolphins leaping across oceans and seas

Beautiful

Just as You are

Just as I am

…Thank you.

I remember the day I painted this I was sitting in a garden in Singapore, by the lily pond.

Enjoying the flowers.

The sound of the water.

The beauty before me.

Including the blue skies and clouds above.

And as I look up, I notice a few eagles flying, maybe three

Surprised and delighted, I thank Spirit for this gift.

Since my time in Canada, almost 18 months before that, I often see eagles.

My Canadian friends tell me that we each have a Spirit guide, often in the form of an animal you connect with, and you shall see your guide often in life.

That’s all well and fine in beautiful British Columbia, but here in this urban, concrete jungle?

And hence the more significant they are to me.  Guiding me, comforting me, loving me, assuring me in that first week of my 30-day silent retreat. 

As they are doing again today.

Now that I look back, I realised that since then I had actually “moved in” with them, or their cousins, the kites where they have a nest at the retreat centre on Cheung Chau Island, Hong Kong.

Today, I feel myself again.  When I first arrived in Hong Kong, a spiritual friend, called me “a breath of fresh air”. 

I don’t think that’s what I have been in the last 2 years, but today, I feel light…closer to air.  I can own this today.

I know not what the future holds,

But I embrace it!

I let go of where I am to be based.

God, you fly me, soar me there

Bring me where I can best be

Your channel of Love

Thank you, thank you, thank you

God in me, me in God...a part of the whole, and the universal whole contained in a part

When we come together it is like starburst

Yet we cannot see the fireworks because

Sunlight is brighter than our hearts

But it is there

It happens nonetheless

Each time our hearts meet as one

A beautiful friend said this to me today, “One cannot take on new things when our cups are full. We need to be empty first before the new things come. I imagine that there are a lot of opportunities for you in the emptiness and I hope that it is a nurturing and inspiring time.”

I held her words in my heart dearly, savouring the love that came with this message.

Also, I remembered a Martha Graham quote, which over the years have given me courage to paint, to write, to self-publish my books...etc and all the things that I do:

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. 
And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. 
The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, 
to keep the channel open. 

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urge that motivates you.
Keep the channel open.”

I am also continuing my reading of Richard Rohr’s “Immortal Diamond”.

Today, these quote have touched me, perhaps a reflection of the present movements within my heart-space:

"Resurrection is when one moment reveals the meaning of all moments"

"Our hurts now becomes the home for our greatest hopes" – p. 84

"Love...is nothing more than endless life, is luring us forward, because love is what we also and already are and we are drawn to the fullness of our being" – p. 92 (Richard’s expansion of an idea inspired by Teilhard de Chardin, SJ)

Today, my heart continues to be filled with love and sunshine.  Especially grateful that despite the “cloudy” weather forecast for today, it’s been beautiful and sunny!  And I have been writing little notes of gratitude and appreciation for a few special people in my life.  I am aware that if not for this open space, I may not have time to write, may not have made these connections; though small deeds but they kept me in a place of constant love and joy all day.  Thank you

Gratitude in Body, Mind, Heart and Spirit

Mon, May 5

It is only right that I begin my art journalling with Gratitude.

The Chinese character 謝means "Thank you" or "Gratitude"

 It is made up of 3 words:

言 = words

身 = body / actions

寸 = measure / thoughts

 Therefore, this painting represents Gratitude in words, actions and thoughts

Taking time to feel Gratitude in mind, body and spirit here and now.

Breathing in Gratitude.

Feeling Gratitude in my heart.

Hmm…what does it feel like?

Like an elusive perfume that I can’t quite name as yet.

Like sunshine on my face

Warm, despite it being a cold morning.

Like love in my heart that glows and grows.

Ahhh…..yes! 

Like incense, the smell and feel of it.

Light, elusive and heaven-ward.

My heart reaches out to Yours

And feel You in me

Beating as one.

Breathing as one.

This morning, I also heard from a friend E, who shared that her schedule is full this month.

There’s an uncomfortable feeling in me as I think of my own “empty” schedule this month.

There’s an itch, a petulant voice saying that I too wish my schedule had “something” in it.

Or why did these other people who contacted her, not contact me to work with them?

Not quite jealous, and not quite envious.

But definitely a bit of both plus a dose of “poor me”.

But then I gently asked my mind—do you miss any of that work?

The honest answer is No.

So how can I lovingly let go of work that, while noble and good, was no longer life-giving for me personally.

That I don’t miss it may be a sign that there are other things for me to do.

Things that are also good (not necessarily noble) but gives me life, and allows me to be more fully present to others at the same time.

You are your True Self when you already live in heaven in the here and now (something that I paraphrased from Richard Rohr’s “Immortal Diamond”, which I am reading today)

I know this isn’t the only way it can be.  Cause I have seen it another way.

I have seen, and known, and felt love.

(Tracy McMillan and Oprah on Super Soul Sunday)

This made me think of all the retreat centres that I have lived and worked in.  I am grateful that for me personally, the first was the most loving, most enriching and inclusive.

And the sacred stories of pain and suffering that our directees tell us. 

Some of which was shocking to me. 

I never knew such experiences exist.

Especially in cultures so different from mine. 

The fact that truth was told is powerful. 

Because when it is only when we become aware that we (individually and as a whole of humanity) can begin to heal. 

Even if her story never goes beyond the two of us.

Issues come up so that they can begin to be healed.

Starting My Open Space in Solitude with the Divine and Meditating through Art

I am starting this blog as a step forward in courage to share my vulnerability with the world.

I am not a blogger

I am actually really shy about putting me and my stuff out there

But my recent AHA moment brought an awareness that to be a channel of love, I just need to trust the Universe and God and allow myself to just be that Channel of Love.

I happened to be in an open space (I don’t like words like “jobless” or “unemployed”, too much negative energy there)

So, though unexpected, I am in an open space, with all the possibilities of the world before me.

I consciously chose to be mostly alone, in what I have called my “Hibernation with God”.

 To be mostly in solitude, rest, relax, play, pray and reflection with God.

I also happen to be turning 35 later this month.

My friend, Mich said that many of us have an age that we come to and feels just right.  That’s the age that we were supposed to reach our “spiritual true age”, or something like that.

If that’s the case, then I am age 1 this year, since I felt that shift last year.

Last year was when I finally came out of the cocoon as a full-fledged butterfly in my silent retreat.  Before that, though I had already turned into a butterfly, I was still stuck in the cocoon (for at least a year!)

I meditation and pray through paintings, specifically, hand-painting batiks.

In my meditation/contemplation, I simply pick up a brush and allow the painting to unfold.  I consciously let go of planning and thinking.  My heart tells my hand what strokes to put on cloth (and as all of you who have worked with textile knows), and the wet colour continues to flow on cloth, beyond my control.

I allow the painting to speak to me.  Often, it may be years before I fully (or as close as I can) get it!

Today, apart from starting this blog, I also felt inspired to go back to my paintings from some of the significant periods in my life, starting with the paintings that were born or manifested during my 30-day silent retreat (based on the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius of Loyola).

Today, I shall stay with the first painting, which incidentally was the painted the first day I got there.

I share the painting with y’all above.  And I shall write out today’s reflection on this blog tomorrow.

Love, peace and blessings to you all.